How It All Went Down

“Don’t do this to me”

That’s how it all started. At least for me.

I don’t know how it all started for him and I know that I won’t ever get that answer. But still, I would like to know what the moment was like. What was the feeling in the air? What were his thoughts? Did the sky agree? Or was it sunny while he destroyed everything?

Anyways, that’s how everything started. I can’t say yet whether it was a tragedy or the defining moment of my life. In a way, you could say that in that very moment I became myself. I was me- simply me and nothing else.

That moment was the moment before every other moment. The moment before excitement and bravery. The moment before danger and stupidity. The moment before I fell in love with the rebellious teenage life. The kind of teenage life that you read about in books. Full of character and life, messy and uncensored. Broken pieces that come together to form a story that your heart remembers.

I never thought I could be the girl who would be cheated on and left. I never thought I would be the girl who gets dr*nk after the guy who she loved tells her that he got the other girl pregnant. I never thought I made a mistake when I chose him. He was what I knew. He was safe. He was home. But then again, I’ve never really had a home. Bouncing around in schools every year or so. Two different states, 20 different houses, 8 different schools. Maybe I just didn’t know what home was.

He made me stop caring. At first, I thought that was terrible. I should care. But I didn’t care enough about caring to care. In some twisted way, he freed me from everything that I knew about myself. I was supposed to be the good girl who has everything together. But in truth, I didn’t want to play it safe. I wanted danger. I was just afraid of the consequences.

But honestly, danger sets you free.

And so began midnight drives, rebellious boys, and fast cars. So began long weekends with mixed drinks and loud music. So began everything I thought I never was. And in the mess, I found myself.

I’ve heard it all. I’ve felt it all.

But I’m okay.

And I’m happy.

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