12 am thoughts

12 am blinking in red on the dash. A slight breeze blows through my rolled down window. And my engine idles while I push the clutch down. I stare off into the distance at thr red light. I sit in the middle of a sleepy, empty town while flashbacks play through my mind of us in the past in the same place I’m sitting right now.

Then by brad paisley plays on the radio. And all I can think about is how I shouldn’t be driving alone right now. All I can think is how things should be. I doubt that I’ll ever understand how someone I imagined my whole life with, someone who I always wanted in my future, could care about me so little. How something that I thought was a miracle could turn into the mess that tore me apart.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with where I’m at. I’m comfortable on my own. In fact, I prefer it that way. But I’m also alone. There’s a constant feeling of lonelieness. There is no one I talk to daily, no one who really understands how much it still hurts. I cope, but I have no doubt that the scars will always be there. And it’s not that I’m not over you. It’s that I’m not over what you did, and who you became.

Yet, I wonder about where you are now and if you’re happy. And I hope you are because if not, what was all of this for?

I used to blame everything on you because you hurt me so bad. I did stupid stuff, I was reckless, I got into the wrong crowd. And I said that it wasn’t my fault because you were the one who hurt me. I justified it by saying that no one understands so I deserve to do what I want. But I realized tonight that it’s no longer your mess. I geuss there was always a part of me who thought that maybe someday you would come back and clean up what you did. But it’s my mess now. It’s mine to deal with and no one else’s responsibility. It is my choice how I choose to handle the hurt.

I’m at that stage where I just have no interest in dating or guys right now. I don’t have the energy to initiate conversations, to start the beginnings of relationships or even friendships. There is too much that I need to deal with before anything else. I’m not interested in “teenage love”. I’m too smart to be wasting my time and I certainly don’t have the patience to be fake with anyone.

The next one will be my last because I can’t do this again. And he’ll have to really blow me away because I’m not impressed by boys. I need a gentleman and I won’t settle for less. Gotta have that education, job, car, motivation. I’m not playing games.

They either step up or step away.

I’ll keep on moving forward in life and hope that someone can eventually keep up with me, but it’s not my focus.

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