Here’s to you- Ashlee

I’ve never really confronted the damage you did. I pushed it all on him, because he should have known what he was doing. He should have known to say no- to stop.

But did you ever think about the life you were destroying? From the moment I found out , nothing was ever the same. From the moment I found out, I was never able to trust anyone. From the moment I found out, I was never able to escape the empty feeling inside of me.

And I probably still look your name up on Facebook at least once a week. And I wonder why and how you could do something like that. Even now, I hate hearing your name. I hate thinking about it.

Ive never talked to you in person. And I pray to God I’ll never have to. Having to face you, would be like my own version of hell. To see the girl who took everything away from me. To see the girl who took the first step in breaking every peice of me.

I hear about you from him, his mom, his friends, his grandparents. They all hated what you did. And although I agree, I hate hearing your name on their lips. It makes me want to drive thousands of miles. It makes me want to scream and breakdown. It triggers the waves of emotions I’ve been working hard to push away.

Even on a warm september sunday, 9 months after everything happened. Sitting on his counter cross legged eating a bowl of cheerios. I hear him say, that you texted him. I can’t look at him. I can’t say anything. I let him walk away-into the living room. And I get the urge to throw my bowl at the wall. To scream. To cry. Because I’m tired of hearing about you. I’m tired of everything I’ve had to run from.

But I stay frozen. Unable to move, watching the last cheerio float around the bowl. I see the milk hit the sides of the bowl in small waves as a shake.

And I wonder if you ever think about the damage you did to the girl you never considered.

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